Not only do we grieve various kinds of losses, but any of those losses may resurface our grief for a loved one who died in the past. For example, moving may trigger our grief for the one who shared that house with us for many years. If our dog dies, we may find ourselves grieving not only the pet, but also the family member who brought him home and cared for him. Even a seemingly unrelated loss may remind us of a loved one we have mourned.
We also can experience waves of grief around holidays and other special occasions. On Mother’s Day weekend, a surge may hit those without a mother and moms who have lost a child. As we anticipate or celebrate family weddings, graduations, and birthdays, we may find ourselves longing for those who are missing. If our relationship included certain activities, such as watching baseball, going fishing, eating out, or shopping together, then grief may strike as we cheer on a home run or visit the mall.
Sometimes waves crash upon us seemingly out of the blue. Several months after our infant son Darren died, I suddenly started to cry when I saw a helicopter. I hadn’t even witnessed the hospital staff airlift my hours-old son to a neonatal unit across town. Still, seeing the helicopter triggered that memory and my longing for him.
Surges of sorrow also may result from hearing another’s story or reading a book about grief, including this one. While conversations about loss may come at inconvenient times, we generally can plan when we will pick up a book. We can benefit from scheduling our reading when we can freely mourn.
Whenever grief hits, rather than trying to avoid or restrain the waves, we can choose to use them to help release our pain. We can allow the waves to help move us through our grief. If wave after wave is knocking us down and we fear drowning in our sorrow, however, it may be time to contact a qualified counselor or grief support group. Help is available.
Today’s Dose of Comfort
If you’re experiencing a wave of grief today, take a few moments to acknowledge your pain and embrace your memories. Then, just as swimmers are encouraged to use the buddy system, reach out to someone to assist you. Also take time to distract yourself from your loss.
Are you approaching a special day or activity? You might benefit from setting aside time to grieve (for further suggestions, see the Holidays and Other Special Days section at the end of this book). Also consider what you can do on that day to focus on loved ones who are still with you. If you suspect that a strong wave may hit you during a social event, prepare ahead of time by rehearsing what you’ll say to others or by writing a note explaining that you were not up for staying. Then, if you feel the need to leave early, hand the note to the hostess or an understanding friend or family member before you go.
Excerpt from Doses of Comfort, available in print and on Kindle at Amazon.com